HUNTERS POINT LIBRARY TO BE NAMED AFTER TRUMP

Long Island City's Taj Mahal

Will Long Island City’s Taj Mahal be an oxymoron?

The nearly completed Hunters Point Library along the waterfront in Long Island City will be re-christened in honor of Queens most famous native son.  The Queens Library has announced that the new building will be given the name ‘Trump Library’ when it is finished later this year, and that barring any unforeseen circumstances the president will be in attendance for the grand opening and naming ceremony in September.

When asked about the honor last night at a press conference, Trump responded that he was very gratified to finally be getting the recognition he deserves from his hometown, and was even more excited about the fact that everyone in Manhattan would now be able to see it from almost every vantage point across the East River.  “Though aesthetically the building is not to my taste, the large capitalized letters spelling Trump on the front and back should be enough of a distraction from the weird architecture’ the president shared, ‘and given that I didn’t even have to pay for the naming rights, it’s something I’m willing to overlook.’  The president went on to say that he’s decided to forgo the usual licensing fee that he normally charges developers who want to put his name on their hotel and condo projects.  Though the businessman in him did allow that he will be using this relinquishment as a charitable tax deduction.1

While it’s too late in the process to change the structure, Trump swore that the interior would have his stamp all over it.  Also, the capitalized letters spelling his name will be on top of the building and “huuuuge!”  Oh, and the building’s color will be changed from silver to gold.

Furthermore, as part of the deal, which was announced but not necessarily agreed to by the Queens Library, Trump will have his Chief Strategist Steve Bannon curate the library’s offerings to include his favorite books, newspapers, magazines, and other media. A plan he’s looking to replicate in libraries nationwide.  In addition, a quarter of the interior will be carved out to create a gift shop which will exclusively sell Trump branded merchandise, including that of Ivanka.

Due to the name change, the library’s arrival will also have some implications for residents of Long Island City.  In anticipation of the crowds expected to flock to the monument from all over the country, parking on the western side of Center Boulevard will no longer be allowed in order to create a standing area for tourist buses.  Furthermore, a large two-story fast-casual restaurant will be built on the grass field in Gantry Park and its lease will allow the proprietor to reconfigure the prominently displayed Pepsi sign nearby to advertise the new restaurant, as long as the sign maintains it’s original scripted font.  The establishment is tentatively slated to be named ‘Jared’s.’

//KIM Kardashian to visit LIC – just visit, not do anything, because that’s what she does.  There will be a special ceremony on a stage set up at the waterfront, where she’ll be serenaded by the local school children and then given the key to Long Island City by Jimmy Van Bramer, who has officially declared the date ‘Kim Kardashian Day.’  It will occur on July 4.

//DEAR Readers,

I have reached the heights of journalism, and now it is time to move on and make the world a(n) even better place.  Therefore LICtalk is closing and this will be my last post so I can pursue my next career as a CCP – Certified Cheese Professional.

Toodle-oo,

The Editor

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  1. his tax lawyers have assured him that – though it might be considered aggressive by the IRS – they’d be willing to fight it’s legitimacy all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.  Plus it’s not like anyone would really find out anyway []
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8 thoughts on “HUNTERS POINT LIBRARY TO BE NAMED AFTER TRUMP

  1. Sarah Germaine says:

    Is this a joke? A Library named after a guy who is trying to kill public education? Who says himself he doesn’t read books? What are you going to have…screens running CNN in there? It’s kind of fun to go over and have brunch in one of the restaurants there or just walk around on the waterfront but I think I’ll skip it from now on. Especially if this is a reality. Maybe the nearby bridge into Manhattan could be renamed Bannon Bridge. And how about instead of Roosevelt Island, Ivanka Island.

  2. Sarah Germaine says:

    Okay. I read it again. Funny. Worthy of the comedy channel.

  3. NW says:

    This makes me feel sick to my stomach. Please, somebody tell me this is a April 1st prank!!!

  4. Sarah Germaine says:

    OMG. April Fools Day! Lol

  5. Rd. St. Dr. Ave. says:

    Oy. Made me look.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Dam, you had me going for awhile!

  7. Anonymous says:

    Too bad that would have been great. Trump is a queens boy

  8. Ro says:

    While this was just a joke, it made me wonder if Trump somehow fulfills his presidency, where would he build his library? My money on Staten Island.

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