ST. MARY’S CHURCH ON VERNON BLVD TO BE DEMOLISHED FOR TOWER

Gonzo - all for the greater good

Gonzo – all for the greater good

The iconic St. Mary’s Church on Vernon Boulevard will be knocked down to make way for a luxury residential tower according to plans filed with the NYC Department of Buildings yesterday.  The proposal calls for a 62-story “pinner” building – one that’s very tall and very narrow – with many of the apartments full-floor 4-bedrooms with keyed access.  According to the developer Ronald Plum of the Plum Organization, it is meant to be a counterpart in the LIC skyline to 432 Park Avenue in Manhattan.

In return for zoning variances and low-interest financing from the city, half the apartments will be set aside as affordable housing.  The ground floor will contain retail establishments, and since the views will be minimal at the lower level, floors 2-4 will be set aside for over-the-top amenities including an indoor pool filled with heated glacial water, a free always-on-call masseuse, a virtual reality playroom and an endangered small-animal petting zoo for kids, and a “grow-your-own” hydroponic garden.

“These are the things that young people want nowadays” said Mr. Plum in an interview, “and there’s absolutely no reason they shouldn’t have them.”  “In addition, we’re going to bring the best of Times Square to Long Island City, with the premiere opening of a dual-concept restaurant that we think will soon be nationwide: Bubba Gump’s Olive Garden.”

Mr. Plum went on to state “Given the emotional attachment1 to the parcel we’re looking to develop, I know this proposal will generate a lot of controversy.  But let’s face it people, real estate worship has replaced religion in the lives of Americans in the 21st Century.  I know this for a fact.”   Finally, he finished triumphantly by proclaiming “With non-recourse financing for myself and unparalleled luxury living for those selected in the affordable housing lottery, what’s the downside?  This is a win-win for everyone!”

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  1. Less than half a century ago, the southern tip of Long Island City was still referred to as St. Mary’s Parish by both residents and the press []
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11 thoughts on “ST. MARY’S CHURCH ON VERNON BLVD TO BE DEMOLISHED FOR TOWER

  1. Anonymous says:

    60 stories? To much, no thanks.

  2. Time's Up says:

    OK, this is an April Fool’s joke. And a good one too, because you almost had me.

  3. Anna S says:

    Oh! You got me good! I was angrily reading parts out loud to my husband. (At least it better be an April Fool’s joke! The whole charm of the “downtown” area of the neighborhood would be lost.) But, like the best April Fool’s jokes, there is just enough truth in the premise to make it plausible.

    • Anonymous says:

      St. Mary’s doesn’t just represent the “whole charm” of Hunters Point. The value of that building transcends brick and mortar. Regardless of your religious views, this institution is the last vestige of what the neighborhood itself once was for many of us people still slogging it out in this chaotic, confusing place.

      The day the bastards come to knock it down is the day I finally die inside. I don’t care if anyone reading this is smirking. Maybe some of you transplants with dollar signs in your eyeballs can never understand where I’m coming from. Well, that’s just too bad for you because you’ve never experienced the love, spirit and support so many of us did, at least partly because of St. Mary’s.

  4. Pia Ehrhardt says:

    You got me last year with news of a Danny Meyer restaurant in the Crab House location. This year, I’m smarter!

  5. JC says:

    Soooo glad its April 1st joke! You really had me there for a second!

  6. Anonymous says:

    too bad its a joke. Would have been better than pedophiles selling make believe salvation!!

  7. Paul Katcher says:

    This post cracked me up. The chef at P.J. Leahy’s will get his due someday, though!

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